If The Sermons Weren't Funny Enough, Here Are Some Jokes
*The jokes get dirtier further down the page*
The Great Flood
There was a huge flood in a village.
One man said to everyone as they evacuated, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came, and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. "God will save me!"
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help. "No, God will save me!" he said.
Eventually the man drown.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
Gone Fishing
One day a Catholic, a Baptist, and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in their boat and floated out to the middle of the lake.
The Catholic said, "I forgot my hat" so he got up, got out of the boat, and walked across the water.
He came back and the Baptist said, "I forgot the fishing bait" so he got up, got out of the boat, and walked across the water as well.
He came back and the Methodist said, "I forgot the beer" so he got up, got out of the boat, and sank like an anchor.
About that time the Baptist said, "Do you think it's about time to tell him where the stepping stones are?
Heaven Is Getting Crowded
Yesterday, three men were waiting in line to get into heaven. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to warn the first one, "Heaven is getting pretty close to full, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there he was, hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting pounding on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for very long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into a dumpster and was stunned but OK. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony!"
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him how heaven is full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the dumpster below, stunned and stinky but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be OK, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
Then the third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The Nuns And The Blind Man
It was a very hot summer day, so these three nuns decided to take off their clothes and lock the door on their church. Since all the windows were stained glass, no one could see inside either.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when they heard "knock, knock, knock" at the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, and asked "Who is it?"
The reply from behind the door was "It's the blind man."
The three nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man; "no problem" they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in came a burly man in coveralls who said, "Wow sister, nice tits! Um... where do you want your window blinds?"
A Day Off
One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, God would forgive them of their sins.
The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.
At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.
The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today?" The monk replied "I robbed a liquor store."
"Good," the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water."
The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a private school" he answered.
"Good," the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".
The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today?"
"I pissed in the holy water."
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